Love, an emotion and state of being, that can lift people up to the heights of physical and emotional ecstasy. It is also capable of plunging them into the depths of despair. Particularly when things go wrong or love is not reciprocated. Whether we acknowledge it or not, for many love is rarely given, without an expectation of receiving ‘something’ in return. I believe that the root of discontent lies within these expectations, and is often the cause of disappointment in love; And this is why I believe that true happiness and inner contentment can only be found through loving without conditions or expectations.
To create the right conditions for this to occur. You must first learn to love yourself. To like and respect yourself for who you are. To feel comfortable in your own skin. To not rely on other people to fulfil you or to make your life complete. For anything that we cling to that is exterior to us, is transient. It is not so much that we will lose what we love. Though there is always that possibility. But because if we define or judge ourselves on the basis of those exterior experiences; on how successful or fulfilling they are. Then we base those feelings of self worth on perception and not reality. Something that could be taken away from us in any moment. Self love, is the only thing that remains when everything around us is changing.
If you believe that you are only lovable or worthy of love if you fulfil the criteria that other people set. Then you yourself will live your own life in the same way. Even if it is not a conscious acknowledgement. Everyone you meet will have to live up to, or conform to your way of living and viewing life. Which is sad, because I believe it is through our interactions with others; our differences; that we enrich our lives, opening up the world and our perspectives. And so continues the cycle of “I love you as long as…..”
One of the most frequent statements you will hear from people is: “I want to be true to myself”; Or I want to be with someone who allows me to be myself. Without judgement. Who will love me exactly as I am, without trying to change me”. Without taking on board, that they themselves, often fall in love with someone, then try to change them! I do not think there is anything more heart wrenching, then the realisation. That you, who you are, is not enough. When if you think about it, in the very beginning, everything we are or do seems to be perfect in our loved ones eyes.
Is it any wonder, that there are so many people in the world, who have such low sense of self esteem! I have heard people say, “well you might love me now, but when you get to know me better, you might not like me so much”. Because in their past relationships, this is what has appeared to happen. They blame themselves for things going wrong. When in truth, rarely is the breakdown of a relationship down to one person. The real fault, lies in our unrealistic expectations of others. Or the desire to create a mirror image of ourselves. For it seems that the minute people fall in love, they immediately hand over responsibility for their personal happiness and security, into the hands of someone else. When the only place that power really lies is within their own hands.
To truly love; is to aspire to live in a ‘state of love’. To love and respect who you are. When you are love. You give of yourself unstintingly, without conditions or limitations. To understand that no human being owns or possesses another. In the words of Sandy Stevenson. “I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgement from me about the deeds you undertake. In this place where I am, I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment. I make no judgement of this, for if I would deny your right to your evolution, then I would deny that right for myself and all others”. When you learn to really live this belief, so much of what causes you pain and anxiety will dissolve. At last you can live your life free of dependency and the illusion of not being good enough. As a being of pure love, allow love to shine from you; and you will naturally draw love to you.